Dating someone who has been abused
He had always been exceedingly selfish and demanding of his friends’ time, simultaneously belittling and jealous of their accomplishments, prone to unpredictable verbally violent outbursts, very controlling, and sexually inappropriate (a real creeper).
I asked him why he is still friends with Danny if that’s the case, and he says it’s because he believes Danny is actually a good person, he just doesn’t know any better–and that he will one day change.
And yet you don’t necessarily want to slap someone down for being honest with you, especially when they’re (hopefully) doing so in good faith.
You can see how it’s possible to tie yourself in knots over this. Worked with a psychologist to deal with their underlying issues? That is not a joke – being able to talk with former lovers about the (ex) abuser can give you a more rounded picture of what he or she is like and whether or not they fake remorse as part of the abusive cycle, and they’ll have perspective that their ex doesn’t. Nerd Love, I’m in an unfortunate situation at the moment.
I mean, does being an abuser once or twice make a person dangerous for others for life?
With STD you at least know that infecting others is not something infected person wants to do.
But being violent and manipulative towards one’s partner seems to be something one must be able to control.
You can even point out that if you were describing a friend talking about her abusive boyfriend as “a nice guy who doesn’t know any better” and how “he’ll change some day”, your boyfriend would (probably) be insisting that she should leave his ass ASAP.There’s going to be an ugly period as he processes everything that’s happened and he’s going to need your help afterwards. In fact, it’s probably going to be pretty damn maddening.You’ll grind your teeth and want to tear your hair out. being the support he needs will be the strongest and most important part of helping him break the cycle of abuse. He also says he is one of the few true friends Danny has that haven’t left him, and that everyone needs at least one friend.
My own decision to end my friendship with Danny put some strain on my boyfriend and I’s relationship, but we have mostly worked through it.
Making ultimatums will only make it worse; it gives Danny ammunition to claim that you’re just “jealous” and to whip out the “I was here first” card to play on your boyfriend’s sense of loyalty.