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I eventually started seeing her regularly, but there was never any real feeling or connection there, despite the fact that I tried to force it.I couldn’t commit to her, because she was a convenient, pragmatic back-up plan, not a woman I loved. The other one could have been a good and stable wife, even if I could have never had the connection I had with the first.As Ashley told me her story, I flashed back to July of 2008.I’ve mentioned a bit of this story before, but I’m going to tell you a very intense part that I’ve never had reason to tell before. I was in love with the one I was dating at the time, but I was scared of some things I saw in her (and things I saw in myself, too, even if I wasn’t honest enough with myself at the time to see it that way).I knew she was going to be hurt, but I had no idea what the night was going to be like.I felt terrible telling her that I was going to marry someone else.
We moved to stand in the parking lot near our cars for another hour or two. I told her that it was what I wanted and needed to do — and that’s the way we left it when we finally parted around 4 a.m. And the more I thought about that, the more I found excuses to justify delaying a decision. To make a long story short, early in the week, I made one of the worst decisions of my life. The one I loved begged me to marry her, and I knew it was what I wanted.
I told her which choice made sense to me — based on what she was saying — but I told her whether she agreed or not, she had to make a choice. (I gave her my card and asked her to let me know what she did.) After she walked away, all I was left with was to ponder my own history — and my own devastating loss.
I watched the love I wanted and needed get washed away because of my indecision.
In the spring and early summer of 2008, the first woman and I had talked a lot of marriage.
I had some legitimate fears about things in her that I didn’t understand at the time, but I knew I loved her and wanted her.She was hoping the first woman would be out of the picture and she could finally have me.